I have been a divorce lawyer for 23 years and during that time much has changed. The most important change for me is that my practice has evolved away from an adversarial approach, which could be accusatory and divisive, to an approach that is more solution focussed and aims to put the children at the centre. Wherever possible my Partner Kate and I try to support families through a more dignified divorce.
One thing that we have become acutely aware of is the use of language in our work; we know it matters. The words we use shape our mindsets, and affect how we think and behave. If the language of separation is the language of the battlefield we will end up with a war. We are really encouraged that the head of our family court commissioned a report reviewing language used by family law professionals, it really sums up our values. The Family Solutions Group review was published in October 2022[1] and will hopefully have a real and positive impact upon separating families.
The Hartlaw Family team is committed to promoting a problem-solving approach to all of our work. We are committed to remembering that your children are the children of two parents and not just our client. We are committed to supporting your whole family to find solutions.
We have always been mindful of the language we use about our client’s partner and their lawyer and we are committed to adopt the recommendations in our practice. We work hard to build good relationships with other family lawyers meaning we can have constructive conversations and problem solve together, which almost always lends itself to a better outcome for our clients.
The report focussing on encouraging lawyers, the judiciary and other professionals in their use of language but your language counts as well. Our top tips for use of language for separating couples:-
- Refer to your partner by their name, not, “my ex”, “him”, “he who shall not be named” or any one of the eye watering expletives we have heard over the years.
- When talking to your children about your co-parent call them mummy or mum as you always did – not “your mum” putting a distance between you and their other parent. Try to avoid criticism and using negative language, even if you think the children are not listening.
- When talking about your separation with friends and family try to avoid battle language such as ‘Fighting for my rights’… ‘Custody battle’… ‘In my corner’… any words which use battle (or boxing ring) terminology will not help.
Instead talk about solving problems, fairness and working together – even if that feels like an impossible task at the moment – separation is hard, it hurts, but we can help you work through your separation and help you to build a positive future for the whole family.
